Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
