So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
