I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
