i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
