this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
