I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
