I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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