I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
