Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
