i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
