There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
