I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
