We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
