Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
