Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
