my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
