"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
two words: eviction party
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
