This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
