My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
