adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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