saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
