if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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