A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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