So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
