My hair reeks of homosexuality.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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