You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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