Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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