I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
no you cant smoke seaweed
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
