there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
