I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
