no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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