she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Don't make out with my wife yet
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
