Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
