I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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