we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My feet surprised me
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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