we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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