wakey wakey hands off snakey
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I am one with the molecules
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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