Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
