just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It's blow job season.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
whose parrot is this?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
