I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
