bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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