I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
