i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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