I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
