I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
