she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she peed on how many people?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
