I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
