So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
do herpes really smell.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
