just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
