did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We left the knife in your bed.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
